


Return to Innocence

by ChemCat



Series: Double Meanings [9]
Category: Ai no Kusabi
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-10 01:59:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3272621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemCat/pseuds/ChemCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Katze has nothing left to lose, he speaks his mind and goes for what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return to Innocence

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: AnK belongs to Rieko Yoshihara.
> 
> The last story in the series - I’m not good at writing fluff and it’s heading that way. Thank you for sticking with this series for this long!

***

Even in his drug-altered mind and still unconscious, Katze is reliving his nightmare again and again. His capture. His ordeal in the Bronk Imael’s hands. His humiliation. Except, it’s not Bronk’s face that is leaning over him now.

__“_ Your time’s up, Katze.”_

_“So, you’ve finally come to kill me?”_

_“Don’t get your hopes up, I’ve just run out of patience. I don’t need your permission to have you.”_

_“Raoul, no! No, please, not like that!”_

Agony seizes his whole body; however, more painful than this is the suffering of his mind.

When Katze finally opens his eyes, the room is dark once again. Still dizzy, he tries to make sense of the latest events, but his most recent nightmare is all pervasive and concentrating on anything but that is nearly impossible. He looks around – no Raoul. He tries to get up and walk, but is too groggy and weak so, he only stumbles a couple of steps and falls to his knees. Cursing, he tries to move further on all four.

_I’ll crawl if I have to. I’ll do everything and anything to escape this vicious circle. I just want to die._

With only the vaguest idea of purpose, inch after inch, painfully, Katze makes his way across the room until his head bumps into a table.

_A dinner table? Is there a knife there?_

In the past, he was keeping the _Black Moon_ cigarettes. “I have it 'cause of the business, just in case” he’d said to Riki once. In case the murky business went wrong was the unspoken understanding; now, it has gone wrong - as wrong as it possibly could.

_Shit, I don’t even remember when I’ve had my last smoke. Not in a while, I guess. Days? Weeks? No, more like months. Hell of a way to give up an addiction; I’d give a lot for a smoke._

But for now, the knife will have to do. Katze hoists himself up and leans over the table.

_Please, let there be a knife!_

“What are you doing?”

Katze panics and his heart skips a beat, but at the same time, among ornate goblets and plates, he sees a knife. Without hesitation, he grabs it and plunges it into his chest - he’s weakened so the wound is shallow. Desperately, he throws himself on the table until the knife is buried deep in his body. The pain is welcomed this time. Warm blood seeps from the fresh wound and fills the nearest plate. Katze tries to smile, but he can only grimace in pain. He falls to his knees again. Strong warm arms wrap around him. Someone screams. Dim light becomes brighter as the lights are fully switched on. Breathing becomes increasingly difficult. He tries to keep his eyes open. “I’m not that brave. I can’t take it like a man... a Furniture.” Katze’s voice is raspy. Gurgling sound escapes his throat after every other word. “This world is... what it is, but I no longer can find… a place for myself. Let me die. Even without dignity, but let me… finally… die... Raoul.”

Peace.

 “No!"

Denial.

"Do you hear me, Katze?! A doctor’s on his way. I need you.”

“There are other dealers.” Katze is surprised how calm he is right now. Laying in Raoul’s arms, he’s chocking on his own blood, but is still trying to make a decent conversation with the Blondie. Make that _the first_ decent conversation. Make that - the last one.

“Not as good as you.”

“Better.” Katze’s vision is blurry, but he thinks Raoul smiles now.

“Maybe. The doctor’s here.”

“Let me die.”

“No.”

Having nothing to lose, Katze reaches a trembling hand toward Blondie’s golden lashes.

_I want to die looking in these green, demonic eyes. Let me die, Raoul._

***

For Katze the next few days are a cacophony, a synergy of lights and sounds, a white noise in a purple haze. He is not sure what is real and what isn’t. Except for the eyes – Raoul’s green eyes are always there: watching him.

_A dream?_

“When will it finally end?”

“Soon, if you behave.”

_Have I spoken out loud?_

“Not soon enough.”

“So, you’ve fully regained consciousness. Good.”

“I want this pain to end.”

“So do I.”

Katze’s tired, half-opened eyes fall on Raoul for the first time in days. “What do you know about pain? What do you know about anything, Raoul? About joy, about laughter, about hope... about despair?”

“Maybe more than you think.”

“I don’t think much those days. Not after what’s happened on Larcon. Not after Riki. Not even after Iason.”

“I do.”

For a moment Katze cannot comprehend what the Blondie means. Talking exhausts him, thinking is exceptionally difficult, but he cannot take the silence. “About what? You mean you think about... Iason?”

“Yes. And how his little mongrel pet dragged him down to his death.”

“His name was Ricky.”

“I don’t care. Was. Past tense.”

“Do you have a smoke?”

“It’s a hospital.”

Katze doesn’t care about anything anymore “That’s a no.”

Silence falls in the room again and Katze, who’s always enjoyed it, cherished the moments when he could think uninterrupted, now wants to scream in frustration. “Why are you here, Raoul?”

“Making sure you’re not going to commit another idiocy.”

Katze acknowledges it with a small sigh. “You’ve tried to poison me.”

“It was an accident. Ignore it.”

_Ignore it? Easier said than done._

“I’ve dreamt about you, Raoul.”

“You were screaming in terror.”

“I’ve never said it was a good dream.”

“Point taken. We’ll talk later.”

But the ‘later’ never comes, and after the Blondie has left the room he never comes back. For the next couple of weeks Katze has nothing to occupy his mind. Nothing to stop it from going in circles. From remembering. Ricky. Iason. Imael. Iason again. Raoul.

_When will it end? Where am I heading off to? Why can’t I put my feet firmly on the ground? Where have I gone wrong? Why does it hurt so much? Why remembering Iason becomes increasingly harder?_

**A couple of months later**

 

Without too many problems, within a year Amoi’s troops have captured all of the mines on the Larcon planet, all of the factories, and majority of plutonium fusion stations. With the last ‘rebel soldiers’- as they were named - captured, the workers, now left without any leadership, decided it’s better to surrender to the new power and live than die in agony for no good reason. Imael Bronk was ‘terminated’ and Katze is sure that his death was neither fast nor painless – either way, he doesn’t care. Life goes on for the rest of the Larcon and Amoi residents. For Katze. If only he _could_ move on.

_Why did you leave me alive? Let my wounds to heal? And after all this time, do I still want to die? Why can’t I stop hoping?_

Katze’s wounds have healed enough to allow him to be back on the Black Market. It took a couple of weeks, but he’s finally came up to speed. Raoul’s made good on his words and assigned Katze to the most demanding tasks that had been left unfinished since before Iason’s death. Organizing transactions and coordinating deliveries takes the better part of Katze’s time, and by the end of the day he doesn’t have too much energy left for ‘committing another idiocy’.

Now, it’s the end of his surprisingly short working day and Katze is sitting idly by the computer terminal at his place. For the first time in a long while, he has time to think about things other than work. Outside, it’s almost evening now – not that it matters, day or night - it’s always dark in Katze’s apartment. In a dim light, computer screen casts an eerie glow on a photo on Katze’s desk and falsifies colors – green becomes cold blue. He hasn’t spoken with Raoul since their last conversation in the hospital, he gets his instructions from a different Blondie and reports to him as well.

_Nothing left to say._

His hand slowly trails features of a handsome man on the picture on his desk.

_Yet, there is so much we’ve never dared to say._

Suddenly, his terminal comes alive.

 

_We need to finalize the Larcon case. My office at 7:00 PM. No delays._

 

No signature. It’s from Raoul. The time has run out. No more hiding behind the comfortable silence and only half an hour to face Raoul. Katze sighs and puts his jacket on – secure in one of his pockets is a pack of _Black Moons_. The other pocket conceals a new addition: a small but sharp razor.

***

“You wanted to see me?”

“Not particularly, but it couldn’t be avoided.”

Coldness in Raoul’s voice brings some level of comfort to distressed Katze. This is how it used to be; this is something he knows how to deal with.

“Mines on Larcon are ours and so are the labs purifying the minerals. Larcon had several well equipped secret institutes as well. A couple of laboratories were trying to synthesize new elements by fusing the lighter ones, but so far, the majority of the new ones couldn’t be stabilized long enough to work with. Additionally, there are several biotechnological laboratories that have obtained interesting data from their live subjects’ experiments and these are of extreme interest to me.”

“I see. Where do I come in?”

“I’ve mentioned the new elements; one of them was stable enough for some basic measurements. I’m told that it shows sufficiently superconducting behavior to be considered for uses in the new computer technologies. You’re a computer freak and a Black Market dealer, you may come handy. You’re leaving tomorrow.”

At the mention of Larcon, Katze goes pale. Despite of a couple of months that have passed, for him the horror is still alive. He cannot do it. “I cannot _build_ computers, I’m a software—”

“Doesn’t matter.”

_I can’t do it, Raoul. You can’t seriously believe that I’d be able to function there. Not alone again. Don’t do it. Please._

“Don’t—”

“You’re leaving soon.”

“Very well, how long can you give me there?” Katze can either concede a defeat now, or go through the rough _persuasion_ , but he knows that in the end, Raoul will get what he wants. Right now, he still has a chance of negotiating terms of his ‘torture’.

“As long as you need.”

“What about the Market?”

“I’ve already said it: you’re a Black Market dealer – figure it out. Besides, you can work from there; it’s not like you’re supervising every transaction personally. What’s more, we will have to establish a Market there as well.”

Now, the full understanding dawns on Katze: plunged back into his own terror, he’ll be going there to set the nets and lay the foundations for another Market - and other atrocities. Yet, when he speaks, his voice betrays no emotion. “Is there anything else, Raoul?”

Through their whole conversation, Blondie was standing with his back to Katze. Now, he turns around. His green eyes size Katze up. “Yes. I’m interested in those biotechnological laboratories.”

“I will try my best to report—”

“ _Try_ is not good enough. I’m not interested in _try_.”

“I will need a specialist with me then. Would you allow one of your technicians to accompany me? Is there anyone particular that—”

“You’ve misunderstood me, Katze. _I_ am going to take a look at them. Personally.”

Katze’s blood goes cold. He’s going to Larcon. And so is Raoul. He’s abandoned hope, any hope, of even being on a civilized terms with the Blondie. The fact that they were avoiding each other helped. Now it all is crumbling down. Unconsciously, he reaches his hand to the stab wound. Raoul’s eyes follow his movements.

“I want you for myself, Katze. No witnesses.”

“I guess if you wanted to kill me, I’d already be dead.”

“Without as much as a drop of your blood on my white gloves.”

“Is there anything else?”

“Meeting with the laboratories’ new supervisor is in a week.”

This catches Katze by surprise. “A week? I thought you’d said I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Finally, Raoul’s mouth curve upward. He comes closer to Katze and touches the scar on his cheek. As warmth seeps into Katze’s face, he notices that Raoul wears no gloves. On impulse, he grasps Blondie’s palm and brings it to his lips; his eyes never leave Raoul’s. Blondie leans closer and replaces his hand with his mouth – Katze closes his eyes. After all too brief a while, Blondie stops the kiss and exits his office where Katze is rooted to the spot and barely able to breathe. Behind the open door, lies the room that by now Katze knows all too well - Raoul’s private chambers.

 _‘I want you for myself, Katze._ ’

He accepts the invitation.

 

THE END

 

 


End file.
